Dear Texas, Please Secede

Our Last Best Hope

Update 2010-03-22: Health Care has passed, and will be sent to the President for signing. I have therefore decided to repost this article with modifications.

Dear Texas,

I don't know much about you. I don't live there.

I know it takes about two days to drive through your vast tracts of land. That drive really sucks. Even when listening to Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" on tape.

I know that most of your nasty collectivist hippies have been confined to Austin, like cells of tuberculosis encrusted in calcium. They are harmless and if the chips were down, you could drive them out to live in some refugee camp on the Louisiana border. They could live there for decades, like the Palestinians in the Middle East, only they would be singing bad college rock. And smell worse.

Your state is mostly flat. You have problems on the border. Most of your air smells like cow dung or dust, and Houston has terrific traffic problems.

You also have bad food. Seriously. It's bad. Don't tell me about your barbeque and authentic Mexican crap, because I'm from New Orleans. Ça va?

Also you have Ross Perot, and he's batsh-t crazy. Also you have Kay Bailey Hutchinson, a fifth-columnist collectivist if ever there was a Vichy in France.

Also you have a former president there who teed up the United States of America for its final destruction with TARP I: A Fake New Hope. So you'll have to transfer him out of there to preserve your future freedom, otherwise he'll be trying to get good real estate deals, the rotten...

Wait, I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Dear Texas, despite all of your shortcomings, I am here to inform you:

You are the last best hope of mankind.

The collectivists have passed the Health Care Enslavement Act. Everything else is procedure. Therefore I must recognize that now, to my utter horror...

I no longer live in a free country.

I will be forced by the power of the State to pay for a stranger's MRI. I will be forced to beg the government for permission to get a heart transplant.

I am a slave. The government now has complete power over everything that constitutes my humanity, for if they control my health and body, they control me.

I've had to put up with the petty 'crats in my various entrepreneurial endeavors. I have lost countless hours filling out sales tax forms and regulation forms. I've spent hours at the DMV. At the local Fascist Building Code Authority. I saw my home town of New Orleans destroyed by collectivists at the Army Corps of Engineers, the City Council of New Orleans, the Mayor's Office, various Levee Boards, the Governor's Office, and hundreds if not thousands of Louisana State representatives sucking off the government teat for the better part of a century.

These obscene lilliputian vultures!

They have stolen countless hours of my life already through taxes and regulations. These vampires that produce nothing and consume all. Who destroy art and freedom and culture and happiness. These monsters of vulgarity who wish to control and regulate and want you to thank them for it. Yes, I have lost much to these evil creatures and to my shame I have put up with it, voting against them time and again. Voting for people and donating to people I thought loved liberty, only to discover the nasty little jack-in-the-box monster that pops up like a horror zombie, who sneaks in ear marks to increase the value of real-estate they "happen" to own.

How many corrupt fifth columnists voting for bill after obscene liberty-killing bill must I endure before I wake from this nightmare?

Denny Hastert, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, I am looking your way when I say that last bit about corrupt fifth columnists. You f-cks. Dance With the Stars and die.

But this is the last straw.

I will not put up with them in charge of my health, my children's health, or my parent's health.

Never. Do you hear me?

I refuse.

I refuse to live under this tyranny.

If I must choose to live as a slave or go to prison, then I choose prison. Better a prisoner than a slave. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, President Obamahole: arrest me now. Never a red cent shall I pay. Get it over with and come get me now. I won't pay your fines. I won't fill out your paperwork. I will die first.

I refuse even under threat of death to conform to your Health Enslavement Act.

Do you understand?

This is not a democracy. This is a constitutional republic, and I do not care about your majority vote. My liberty is more important. Do you understand?

It appears then that, since collectivists now control the United States and wish to enslave me and my family, I must consider other options. Shall I move? To where? Name a country that is not collectivist in one form or another, or under threat of imminent domination. Europe is under the crushing velvet glove of socialism, Russia is a madhouse, all else froth and insanity, corruption and tyranny.

I want my United States, but it is no longer the United States. It is gone and has been since at least the 1950's, as Rome was no longer Rome after the madness of the twelve Caesars, but still trundled on under momentum and past glories.

The radio hosts upon which I based my last film, Hive Mind, are for the most part believers in the vote. They do not believe in taking up arms against our nation and are extremely reluctant to even consider such with their audiences. For one thing, they could get yanked off the air. For another, they have a love for country that is as admirable, and stubborn, as what those British subjects felt for king and country in 1771 Colonial America.

They revolted over a dinky tea tax, for Chr-ssake. Now look at us. You think George Washington would've sighed, shaken his head, and trundled down to the Tax-Stamp office to buy health insurance mandated by the British Crown 'cause it was the law?

Frankly, I must confess that I'm not enthused by the image of villagers storming the White House with pitchforks and torches, or waging guerilla warfare against the combined might of the ATF, the FBI, and the Coast Guard.

I am a realist, which means I am a pessimist, and unfortunately I must say with great pessimism that the country our radio hosts love is no longer the United States of America. It is beyond salvation.

Now listen, I will certainly continue to fight through political channels. I will continue to call my Congressmen and Senators, and go to rallies and rail against the machine. But I know deep down, and I believe everyone else here does too, that with such power over the vast machinery of the United States in the hands of these ruthless collectivists, there will be no turning back the tide even should Republicans and Libertarians and Conservatives sweep the House and Senate in every election in 2010.

Which brings me to the most important thing I know about Texas.

Dear big beautiful Texas with all your gorgeous pageant women and crappy food: you are the only state that joined our Union with a treaty allowing for legal secession.

Here's the "long story short," your favorite phrase, Dear Texas:

You can get out now and no one will stop you.

Look, I'm just a crazy filmmaker who writes a blog to boost sales for my movies. But before that I worked for the defense community and hung out in certain circles, so you meet people, you learn a few secrets. Here's a few that most beltway journalists know also, but are too chickensh-t to tell you, because if too many little people heard it, they'd rise up and kill all their buddies and benefactors in the government. And that would just totally kill the cocktail party circuit.

Here's the first secret they know.

Obama doesn't care about preserving the Union. He is the anti-Lincoln. He would be perfectly happy to see all the "Red States" go. They are pesky. They vote against collectivists. Red Staters own guns. They're dangerous. I know I am.

Obama's buddies in the Weather Undergound were even overheard by the FBI in the 1960's trying to figure out how to get rid of all you liberty-loving gun-toting whack jobs. They estimated they'd have to kill 25 million in total. Which gave them pause. Not because the number was too big for their morality; it just seemed like a big job, and collectivists are lazy.

Yet their lust for a collectivist country has brought them to the White House decades later, and, rather than be forced to kill all those that disagree with collectivism, they'll be happier jettisoning a state or two and let all the whack jobs who love liberty flee there.

Don't get me wrong, Obama's Weather Underground buddies would cheerily kill every last Red Stater if they had to. Look at Jeremiah Wright. You don't think he wants you dead? Please, girlfriend. Please.

But if it can be avoided, they'd prefer you secede. Less money spent on bullets and mass graves and more money for them to live like the Politburo elite in the good old days, with fancy toilet paper.

Dear Texas, Obama-collectivist wants you to leave. You are a guest who has overstayed your welcome in the Union. You just don't know that the liberty party is over yet.

Remember when Castro wanted to ship all his troublemakers out during the Muriel boatlift? Bingo.

Dear Texas, put aside fears of "Civil War II: The Revenge of the North." Not going to happen.

Consider that a large percentage of the U.S. Military is from Texas. Obama would dare not send his "Blue State" armed forces into your borders. He would invite a military coup if he even thought about it. And besides, without Red State soldiers, the U.S. Military will be too busy blow drying its hair, putting on makeup while driving, and fiddling around in its purse trying to find that Tomahawk cruise missile next to its tampon.

Seriously, don't worry about a hot civil war. Remember that Truman (collectivist like Obama) was too much of a pussy to take care of the Soviet Union back when we were the only ones with the nuke. At worst, Obama will wage a cold war with you and maybe embargo your arugala supply. And really, I know you couldn't give a sh-t about that.

Dear Texas, do you want to know what Obama will say? Have fun. Good luck. Sign a Global Warming Treaty with us? Buy our stuff with your Texas dollars? Here, take a bunch of these other pesky liberty-loving gun owners from Wyoming, Montana, Arizona, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, etc. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. But hey, sell us your oil until our solar panels are working.

Be careful not to lend him money. He'll ask.

Obama and his ilk don't believe that the United States should be the lone super power of the world. They really couldn't care less if you are in the Union or not. They just want collectivism and all the corruption money they can eat.

Now Dear Texas, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it won't be easy. Let me let you in on another secret I've learned in my old-school circles.

China's been giving Mexico's military arms and training for the better part of two decades. Many Chinese "companies" (which are really owned by the People's Liberation Army) run most of the major Mexican ports. They have been pre-deploying small arms, hand-held missiles, and other nasty pieces of work in warehouses down there, all for a rainy day like this.

They would love to see Mexico try to take back Texas. During the confusion they'll be all over Taiwan like a drunk teenager on a 5 dollar whore. The Chinese and Mexicans have been slipping money to the Democrats (algore, Billary Clinton, Obamahole, etc.) and Republicans (John MyFriends McCain, Bob Viagra Dole, Denny Earmark Hastert, George Bushes Part I: The Lethargic Projectile Vomiter and Part II: The Expensive Mindless Sequel) for decades for a reason.

Come on. You think China was giving money to Bill Clinton cause he looks good with Monica Lewinsky in his lap? 'Cause they wanted to sell us plastic Mardi Gras beads? They want Taiwan and then they want to pay back Japan for the rape of Nanking. And hey, if algore gets some bucks out of it, well, that's a cheap price 'cause algore's a cheap whore.

So bear in mind, Dear Texas, that when you declare independence, Mexico will try to take you back. And Obamahole will not lift a finger for you in that instance. You will be alone.

It will be a nasty and ugly guerilla war.

I know you don't care about that, because you love liberty, Dear Texas.

Plus, you have the hottest pageant women on planet earth, better even than Brazil, so you know you can't lose.

You will indeed be "like a whole other country."

I volunteer.

I remember the Alamo.

Save a seat for me in liberty's sweet embrace, 'cause I'm on my way.

God Bless The United State of Texas.

Update Prime: Be nice to world's greatest blogger, Robert McCain, confirmed greatest since he recognizes my glorious genius. Even though he still hasn't sent me a mailing adress so he can have the glory of seeing any of my movies.

Update Squared: I've gotten a couple of emails already from people asking me if this blog post is serious or satire. Am I really this crazy? Look, I have a sense of humor and like to take it out on a walk once in a while. But I would rather go to prison, die, or be a refugee in The Republic of Texas than suffer any more loss of liberty, and the two secrets I mention (re: Obama being happy with less than 50 states and the long-term China-Mexico-Azatlan strategery) are indeed true, at least according to my sources, and I trust them more than I trust Katie Couric. She doesn't know sh-t, she's not even good eye candy anymore, and the last good question she probably asked was in 1973. "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" Received answer from George Soros: "Yes. Now stop talking and keep sucking." Good job, airhead.

Update Cubed: Dear Free Republic. Thank you for the 200+ comments on your OWN site. Please allow all of you commenters to immigrate to my country and leave their comments here. Tear down that wall. Also ask them to bust out their conservative credit cards and buy Hive Mind on DVD.

Update to the Fourth Estate: I seem to have started a controversy (alas, not on my OWN site) over whether this Texas treaty exists or not. This is really an existential question, and none of us are Camus. So Dear people with too much time on their hands arguing about whether the boobs are real or not: STFU, we need a safe haven. It doesn't matter one way or the other. Texas is blonde. If she believes it, we've got a place to go one day. Seriously. STFU.

Update Pentagoned: Hello IP addresses from the People's Liberation Army. Yes I told everybody what you're planning to do. Don't worry, you will still end up with Taiwan, in fact you will rule all of Asia, and I'm sure you'll be able to turn Japan into a big piece of glass in the Pacific without retribution. Now go perform some forced abortions and kill some Christians, won't you, and let my server go.

Update Sextant: Hello Mexican Embassy IP address in Washington DC: I will see you one day deep in the heart of Texas. I will have an AK-47 and lots of ammunition and I will be happy to kill your Azatlan ass for my beloved Dear Texas.

Update 7even: It will be easy to spot the native Mexicans from the Texas Hispanics who were born and raised in Dear Texas and are thoroughly liberty-loving. The recent vintage imports from Mexico are, like, seriously short. They grow up eating nothing but wretched tortillas which give normal humans diarrhea. Which is why they make great roofers. Because they're short, not because they are immune to Montezuma. But seriously, I am not scared of their army of midgets south of Dear Texas' border.

Update Octagon: I don't believe anything I read on algore'z Internetz, but it seems that South Texian has the definitive scoop on the existence of the Treaty. I still believe that this is an existential debate, Dear Texas. Please hike up your marvelous bra, have a bit more tequila, and do what's best for all mankind.

Update Neuf: The Fat Guy has spoken, and he loves all gratuitous pageant photos as well. Time for us to pack our bags.

Update Decimate: Dixienet has been trying to tell various conservatives for some time that it's time to start a new country, so I am not the only crank on the Internetz.

Update Onze: Cold Fury is pining for a hot time with Dear Texas tonight!

Update Dirty Dozen: The Health Enslavement Act has now passed, and The End Zone's Greg Cotharn has that day after feeling. Somehow I don't think he's talking about a glorious one-night stand with Dear Texas. More like that 1980's made for tv movie with John Lithgow and nuclear fallout.

Update Triskadeckaphobiamania: Another signature for Dear Texas getting out now from South East Texas Pistolero! As with most Dear Texans, he disagrees with my assesment of TexMex cuisine, but he's willing to let me in through the border nevertheless! I wish someone had gotten me a pistolero for Christmas, but I will have to do with my armory of AK-47's.

Update French Quarter: Dan Laponsie reveals that he is a genius by recognizing my genius, and he does it all Without Adjectives! He wonders if other states would leave once Dear Texas does; my thought is, all I need is Dear Texas.

Update 5x3: I've added updates at the beginning of my Texas-sized post for the disgruntled Texan with A.D.D. on DFWStangs.net's forum who couldn't get past the jokes at the beginning long enough to see that I really love Dear Texas, and I am also not a yankee.

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